A guide for when I'm angry at you
I don't feel able to be very close to people unless I'm able to be angry at them. I've lived most of my life without anger, which made me very depressed and anxious. Anger shows a strong desire for things to be different, and I really want to be able to show that desire to people who care about me. I want shows of anger to feel like a good experience for everyone involved, releasing tensions and showing each other how we want to be loved.
Sadly, most of the time when I've gotten angry with people, they've responded in very unhelpful ways. Some are very defensive and don't listen properly. Others apologise profusely and blame themselves, even if they know that some of my anger isn't fair to them. Some people have gone completely silent and then disappeared, because they don't want to be around someone who is angry at them.
I wish they had responded in some of these ways instead:
- Rejecting the anger, with an explanation of why they think it is unfair or lacks context
- Taking space while they're overwhelmed or need time to process, with reassurance that they'll respond later
- Absorbing the anger, together with an apology, and a reassurance of how they'll change their behaviour to avoid causing hurt again
- Saying sorry that I am hurt, but explaining why they were pressurised to do the thing that hurt me. They express their anger at the system that pressurised them to hurt me, and invite me to join them in being angry at that system
- Asking for reassurance that I still care about them and won't punish them
Most good responses combine several of these, and are open to change based on a dialogue. Here are some examples of how it could work:
Example: chocolate
Me: "I'm really angry that you ate the rest of my chocolate. You knew that was mine."
Them: "Oh, I'm sorry I did that. I didn't realise it was your chocolate. Is that cupboard for food that you don't want to share? In which case I'll be sure not to eat from there."
This one combines:
- Rejecting some of the anger, because I thought that they knew it was my private chocolate
- Absorbing some of the anger, and saying how they will adjust their behaviour
Example: new car
Me: "I can't believe you just bought a new car. It feels like you don't give a shit about the environment while I'm here taking the bus every day."
Them: "I hear you, thanks for saying how you feel. I'm not in the mood to respond right now but let's talk tomorrow evening at dinner."
(The next day at dinner)
Them: "I can see why you're angry about the car, but I'm feeling pretty annoyed by your criticism. I felt bad about the car, and I had to do it because there's no other way for me to take my kid to school. It's the council's fault that there's no good bus route that way, so let's get angry at them rather than you getting angry at me."
This one combines:
- Taking space to reflect and look after themself
- Rejecting some of the anger, because I hadn't realised there was no good bus route
- Inviting me to join them in getting angry at the council, which forced them to buy a car
Example: homophobia
Me: "Whenever I tell you you've said something homophobic you never fucking listen and just get so defensive."
Them: "Shit, I can see that. I'm sorry. I think I'm just afraid you'll go round telling all my friends unless I convince you it wasn't that bad."
Me: "I won't do that, as long as you promise to get your shit together and work on your homophobia."
Them: "I promise."
This one combines:
- Absorbing some of the anger, because they realise what they've done
- Acknowledging their fear, and asking for reassurance that they won't be punished
- Adjusting their response based on dialogue. They make a promise to work on their homophobia once I say that the apology wasn't enough
In conclusion
I hope this article helps anger to become a bigger and better part of your life. The ability to be angry is a gift that has been given to me by others, and I'd love to pass it on to you too.
Shout out to Rage Zine and my brilliant therapists Bo, Stine and Cami for teaching me a lot of this stuff. And my friends and lovers: you know who you are. I can also recommend listening to 'Blood' by Little Simz for a beautiful example of how people use anger to deepen their relationship: listen here.
And fuck you to everyone I'm currently angry at<3